I have a problem with faith. I prefer to live my life through practical rationale. Which is why I freaked out when my sister told me, at 19, she was engaged. Or why in order to know if something is right for me, I have to first analyze why it’s not. That way, I can see which side has the most compelling argument.
It’s also why I struggle with relationships. I don’t struggle to love, that’s the easy part. But I struggle with putting my faith in deciding something will be right for me, forever. It’s why I’m trying to live by the mantra that “if it’s meant to be, it will” but why I’m really just letting go of something so I can see if it’s better or worse without it.
Do you live on faith or logic?
Patience. I don’t have it. I wish I did. My grandpa would always remind us to “have the big P”.
I have it for the practical things… traffic jams, long lines, waiting for my eggs benedict at a crowded diner. But the emotional stuff? The real life stuff? Patience is out the window.
I wrote before about how I’m an emotional person. I feel something and I act on it. I’m not good at suppressing feelings and I’m not sure I ever will be.
It’s hereditary… my mom wrote about it.
I wish I had more patience emotionally, both in friendships and romantically. I’m too rash in my actions and too quick to use my at-the-moment emotion as validation.
But how do you learn to temper your emotions? And how do you know when to sit back and let them pass.
I’d be a better friend, and girlfriend, if I could figure those things out.
How do you manage your emotions and maintain your patience?
When you’re little you think the answers will come easily. You’ll go to college [knowing what you want to do], fall in love [forever], get married [forever], have babies [two girls one boy] and live happily ever after. But you don’t consider that in between these life-altering milestones are gray areas. What if you go to college undeclared? What if your first love is still a love but not who you marry? What if you don’t want to get married right away? What if you don’t know where you want to live, let alone where to settle down? What if you find out you have a difficult time having children?
Too many what-ifs. Too many gray areas.
For someone as indecisive as me, those gray areas create a lot of nights of tossing and turning. We know the goal is to be happy, but how do you decide what makes you happy? And why is it that when you find one thing that makes you happy, the other pieces in your life don’t measure up?
For a long time I was happy in my romantic and social life, but unhappy in my career. Now I feel happy in my career, but question the durability of my relationships.
Why the gray area? Why can’t they come together, black and white, together?
You read books and blogs, see movies and tv shows – all of which you can scream at with an overwhelmingly sense of wrong and right for the character. You know when they should be doing X and not Y.
But real life isn’t written like a book or a movie. There’s no script to edit and no plot to amplify. You take it as it comes.. including the gray areas. How do you handle the mix of black and white?
Let the packing commence!
Everyone has been talking about their New Year’s resolutions. I don’t have one. I never have. Maybe it’s because I go crazy when I don’t achieve a goal and for most people resolutions tend to fall into that bucket? Or maybe because there’s so much pressure to come up with a “good” one, that I give up before I’ve even started the thought process.
Either way, I have entered 2011 without a resolution. I’m actually a little apprehensive about 2011. For the first time ever, I have no clue where I’ll be by the end of the year. Even when I graduated college I had sealed a full-time position with my internship. But this year, my lease ends in June and I don’t know where I’m going next.
This could be a really big year. I could land a job in my at-the-moment-dream-city, Chicago, live in a cute apartment, navigate public transportation and make new friends.
Or I could still be here, in Central New York, putting in another year at my current job and snowy city in hopes of building my resume and with a new lease under my belt.
Or I could be in NYC, reuniting with my college roommates and teaching myself what it means to be “street smart”.
How do I know which path to choose? Where to start? Or which way to go?
2011 began in a familiar manner, where it ends I’ll just have to wait and see…
I am neurotic. My mind never settles. Last week I finally rejoined my gym. I went once and it felt great. Then on Friday I stopped and got a Dunkin Donuts breakfast sandwich. I started to freak about how greasy and bad for me it was. Then I remembered why I stopped working out and stopped stressing about what I ate. It sucks. And it’s exhausting.
For a long time I monitored what went into my body and kept track of my rigid gym schedule. I would only eat a half a can of soup because a full can felt like too many calories. I’d pick the cheese off my pizza and blot the grease with napkins. A small bag of fries from McDonalds meant I’d feel guilty for the rest of the night.
That life sucks.
Who wants to obsess over missing the gym one day out of your scheduled 6? When I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago I took on the usual comforts of the beginnings of a relationship and stopped caring so much about what I ate. I eased up on my gym schedule so I could spend more time with him, and ate ice cream without measuring the size of the scoop.
That life rocked.
As the beginnings of the relationship transitioned into a full-swing thing, I realized I was still eating and (not) exercising the way I had in the beginning of the relationship. And I was still happy.
I know that eating healthy and exercising are essential and that I shouldn’t just dismiss them. But lately I’ve started to weigh some options in my head. Would I rather keep my body in awesome shape but stress anytime I ate a piece of chocolate or ran a mile less? Or would I be okay with having a less-toned body, eating my Dunkin Donuts and only exercising occasionally?
I’ve heard so many people say that they never really exercised in their 20s and that they were much more carefree about what they ate. Well maybe that’s my time now. Maybe I need to let myself be until I’m ready to go back to eating healthier and exercising more.
I should also point out that my seemingly “sedentary” lifestyle doesn’t mean I’m sitting on my couch eating potato chips and watching tv all night. It just means that I don’t feel guilty if I have French fries with my meal or if my exercise consists of going for a walk around my neighborhood rather than an hour and a half long cardio session at the gym.
A few weeks ago I blogged about how frustrated I was with my lack of motivation. It’s all a mental game with me. But I suppose for the time being my mental health can trump physical health? Or is that just a cop out so I feel less guilty about being lazy?
The title of my blog isn’t Mind Overload for nothing…